Healthier Children with Healthier Words: How Communication with Your Child Can Either Cause or Prevent Mental Health Disorders
As parents, most of us worry deeply about doing the right thing for our children. We think about nutrition, sleep, schooling, screen time, and safety. But one of the most powerful influences on a child’s long-term mental and emotional health is something far less discussed: How we speak to them.
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This article is not about blame or perfection. It’s about awareness, growth, and building emotional safety over time.
Recent research has shown that verbal and emotional abuse in childhood can have effects that are just as long-lasting as physical harm. Words spoken repeatedly, especially in moments of stress, discipline, or frustration, can shape how a child sees themselves, how safe they feel in relationships, and how their nervous system learns to respond to the world.
The reassuring part of this conversation is this: Communication is a skill, not a fixed trait.
And skills can be learned, practiced, and repaired.
Why Communication Matters So Much in Childhood
Children’s brains are still developing the systems responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, self-esteem, and stress response. When a child hears frequent criticism, yelling, shaming, or dismissive language, their nervous system adapts to that environment.
Over time, criticism/yelling/shaming/dismissing your child’s emotions can lead to:
Heightened anxiety or emotional reactivity
Difficulty trusting others
Poor self-concept or chronic self-criticism
Trouble identifying or expressing emotions
Increased risk for depression and social withdrawal
Importantly, many parents who communicate in ways they later regret are not intentionally harmful. Often, these patterns come from:
Chronic stress or burnout
Lack of support
Modeling from their own childhood
A nervous system that is already overwhelmed
Understanding this allows us to shift from shame to responsibility—and from responsibility to change.
Touching on ACEs
In medicine, we can measure some of what is addressed here with a screening tool, the ACEs questionnaire.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that occur before age 18 and influence how the brain and nervous system develop. Research has consistently shown that higher ACE scores are linked to increased risk of anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and chronic disease later in life.
ACEs don’t only include physical harm. Emotional and verbal abuse are recognized ACEs, alongside experiences such as emotional neglect, chronic household conflict, substance use in the home, or parental mental illness. Repeated exposure to yelling, shaming, criticism, or emotional invalidation can keep a child’s stress response activated during key developmental periods.
What makes this especially relevant is that ACEs are shaped not just by what happens to a child, but by how safe they feel emotionally. Words, tone, and emotional attunement play a powerful role in that sense of safety.
The hopeful message from ACE research is that protective factors matter. Consistent emotional support, repair after conflict, and intentional communication can buffer the effects of early stress and help build lifelong resilience.
You can take the ACEs test and get your score here.
In my opinion, the ACEs questionnaire is not entirely well-rounded, but it can be a good starting point. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network is more robust in addressing the shortcomings.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect (Repair Is More Important Than Control)
One of the most damaging myths in parenting is that good parenting means never losing your patience or always saying the right thing.
In reality, repair matters more than perfection.
Children benefit enormously when parents:
Acknowledge mistakes
Apologize sincerely
Take responsibility without excuses
Reconnect emotionally
This teaches children that relationships are safe even when conflict happens and that mistakes do not equal rejection.
Parents, Personal Regulation MUST Come Before Communication
A child who is emotionally overwhelmed cannot reason, learn, or problem-solve. The same is true for adults.
Many verbal missteps happen when a parent is already dysregulated. Learning to pause, breathe, and delay a response—even briefly—can dramatically change how an interaction unfolds.
This is not about suppressing feelings. It’s about responding instead of reacting.
When parents prioritize their own nervous system health—sleep, nourishment, movement, and emotional support—their capacity for calm communication naturally increases.
Language Shapes Identity
Children internalize the language used around them. Statements that label a child (“You’re lazy,” “You’re dramatic,” “You’re impossible”) often become part of their inner voice.
When we separate behavior from identity, we protect a child’s developing sense of self. A child can learn that behavior can change without believing they are the problem.
This distinction is foundational for resilience, self-confidence, and emotional maturity.
Learning New Tools Is an Act of Care
Parenting was never meant to be done in isolation. Many of the communication tools now supported by neuroscience and psychology were not taught to prior generations.
Seeking out new approaches such as emotion coaching, trauma-informed parenting, or supportive counseling is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of intention.
When parents learn new ways to communicate, children don’t just feel safer; they often show improved behavior, emotional expression, and connection.
Practical Ways Parents Can Improve Communication with Their Children
Here is the practical list of tools every parent can begin using, even imperfectly:
Slow the moment before responding
Pause, breathe, and give yourself a moment before reacting.Separate the child from the behavior
Address what’s happening without attacking your child.Name emotions before problem-solving
Feeling understood calms the nervous system.Use fewer words, not more
Clarity and calm reduce escalation.Repair when you mess up
Apologies and reconnection build emotional safety.Notice what you learned growing up
Awareness helps break unconscious patterns. (therapy is helpful here!)Regulate your nervous system outside of conflict
Rested, supported parents communicate more safely.Learn new tools and practice imperfectly
Skills improve with repetition, not guilt.Remember: safety is felt, not explained
Children thrive when love feels steady, even during challenging moments.
Final Thought
The fact that you are reflecting on your communication already matters.
Change doesn’t happen through self-criticism. It happens through curiosity, compassion, and willingness to grow.
Every repaired moment, every softened response, and every intentional pause contribute to a child’s sense of safety and to your own healing as a parent.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The content shared here is not meant to replace or supersede the guidance or recommendations of your personal healthcare provider. Always consult your physician or qualified healthcare professional before making any changes to your diet, exercise routine, supplement regimen, or overall health plan. Your health and well-being are unique, and decisions regarding your care should always be made in consultation with your trusted healthcare provider.
